We received bad news on our way into Broome this year. A friend had passed away on the week-end. Eileen was younger than us. Apparently she had been battling cancer for some time. We didn’t know. We had lost contact over the years, always promising ourself that we’d get in touch, ‘tomorrow’. But Eileens tomorrow’s are all used up. We left it too late. The news left us feeling gutted, and guilty, and just a little bit empty.

It has caused me to reflect on a few of my other relationships, both family relationships, and friendships. In some instances I’ve been letting grievances get in the way, with others I’ve just become complacent, thinking there will always be a ‘Tomorrow’. Life is too short to wait until tomorrow. Tomorrow may never get a chance…..

I don’t know why, but it’s somehow made me think of my mum. Mum had her shortcomings. When she was alive I focused far too much on all of them. I always seemed to be hoping she would magically turn into an entirely different person. It was long after she died that I took some responsibility for having shut her out. She had a tough enough life without me acting like the entitled ‘bitch’ that I was. She gave me everything she possibly could, but I had wanted more. Not more things, I’d just wanted her to magically turn into someone else. She was the product of her own upbringing. She did the absolute best she could do. It was long after she died, that I finally understood her, that I finally loved her unconditionally, and loved her in way that she deserved to be loved. It was too late to tell her that!

They say what goes around, comes around. I think my children also hope sometimes that I’ll magically turn into someone entirely different. I’m sure at times in their lives they have wanted something different from me than what they got. The punishing silence still manifests itself from time to time, for what – I have no idea. They don’t tell me. And even if they did, I can’t wind back time. I can’t re-write the script of their childhood, or any other time in their lives. I can’t magically turn into someone different. I am what I am, I am who I am. But know this, my two children, I have never knowingly done anything that I thought was the wrong thing to do. Perhaps some parents, knowingly, do what they know to be wrong by their children, but I don’t know anyone who fits into that category. Every single parent I know has parented in the best possible way that they possibly could. Sometimes they have fallen short, but believe me when I say, they never did anything wrong by their children intentionally.

Everything I read lately is on ‘setting relationship boundaries’, and mostly this is in relation to adult children setting boundaries for their parents to live by. Often the relationship between grandparent and grandchildren is forbidden unless certain boundaries are met. None of the experts seem to focus on tolerance and acceptance. It makes me wonder just ‘WTF’ is going on in the world today. I’m not suggesting anyone tolerate abuse, when abuse is an issue, by all means set clear boundaries. But I’m not talking about abuse here, I’m talking about tolerance and acceptance of people for being less than perfect.

I didn’t mean to make this about me. I’ve cried enough tears over the years, and no doubt I’m not done yet. I wish I could say to my children, don’t wait until I’m dead and gone to realise that you love me. If you love me, then love me now. Love me as I am. Don’t keep hoping I’ll magically change – it ain’t gonna happen.

I started writing this about a friend who had died unexpectedly. But there was more that prompted this post than that. There was another story from another parent whom I know. Her adult child appears to have cut her off. I guess he wants her to be someone whom she isn’t. Sometimes she gets it wrong. So what…… Life is too short to wait for weeks, months, or years – and waiting for what anyway. For her to admit she was wrong – does it really matter! Life and relationships should be about tolerance, not setting boundaries. Grievances – well life is just too short, and death is way too long. Holding grudges, – well that’s just a waste of perfect happiness.

Life is too short to wait. Forgive your parents, accept their rough edges, or their overly refined edges, whatever the case may be. Just move on.